Different

Cancer with my grandma is totally different than cancer with Chris. In the beginning, I knew it would be different because it would effect her ability to eat and she would also be getting radiation-whereas C only had chemo. 

It's so different, and hard. And she's struggling, which is making me struggle to be there for her. She wants to give up every.single.day. She keeps talking about how she feels like she's a burden. Of course she isn't, but I can totally see how she feels that way. 

She can't do much for herself, she's so weak. She has a feeding tube, which she has to use for nourishment and medication. If you know anything about G tubes, you know that you need 31 hands in order to use it-in the beginning at least. I'm sure we'll get the hang of it, but right now it's...interesting. 

I'm stressed. She isn't getting enough help during the day so when I went over there today? She hadn't eaten (in nearly 7 hours) or taken her daily meds. I don't mind helping her take care of herself at all, I just don't feel like I can be there enough. Home healthcare is supposed to start helping out soon, so maybe that will take a bit of stress off, but damn.

I like how everyone's life (in my family) goes on. Except mine. Vacations? Still happen. Work? Who needs to reschedule anything?! (it feels like only I do). Friday night date nights? Still happen. What the hell?

'Oh and by the way, while we're on vacation? Do you mind taking care of grandma?' Seriously? I was asked this yesterday.

Of course I will (I basically do anyway when it comes to self care). She comes first. Now stop being so nonchalant about this, she's not a dog that you're asking me to feed. 

Fuck.

It makes my heart hurt how she is being treated during this whole ordeal. In the beginning when she was first diagnosed, she said this was how it would be. I told her she was wrong, but she was right. So right.

When C was going through treatment, he worked a full time job without complaint.

My grandma can't even open a bottle of water.

I would love to just quit my job and take care of her full time, but I don't want to put that financial stress on C and I, or our relationship. So, I feel like I'm being pulled in 95 different directions. 

She's over half way through with her treatments. If she quits now, then everything she's been through up until now, was for naught. That's what I keep telling her (and myself). 

For now, we'll just take it one day at a time.

FTR-I don't care who reads this (family-HI BLAKE!) Everyone knows what they're guilty of, if anything.

Radiation, PEG Tubes, & Waiting.

If you follow me on Twitter, you already know that my grandma has been in the hospital for the last week. She was right in the middle of her radiation/chemo treatments, when she got a horrible infection on her lips/ throat. She was unable to eat.

So, last Tuesday, I drove her to the ER and told them we were there for a PEG tube. She was so weak and malnourished. 

Fast forward to Sunday when she finally got the PEG (feeding) tube. I'm hoping this helps her to finish her cancer treatments. She's so close. 

The last week has been full of waiting, and praying. Because my grandma can not leave me yet. There are still things that I need to do before she goes. 

That's me being selfish. 

I won't lie, toward the middle of the week I was feeling spread pretty thin-having to be 29 places at once. Some of my family members were not holding up their end of the deal, so I was picking up the slack. 

Here's to hoping this week brings good news...and more involved family. 

Humph.

Oh, Hey!

Life is happening around here you guys. So much is going on that I don't even know where to start. I guess the most important thing (to me) is that my grandma was recently diagnosed with base of tongue cancer. We still aren't sure what stage it is in, but the treatment has been laid out.

She'll have a drug called Erbitux starting tomorrow, for a few weeks. Then, next Tuesday she'll start eight weeks of radiation. When she was first diagnosed, she was determined not to go through with any treatment. I don't know what changed, but now she's determined to be a success story. 

My job was generous enough to give me off the next few months of Tuesday's so that I can go to treatments with her. I am so grateful that I can be there for her through this. I know my grandpa would have been right beside her, but he's not here so I (along with my aunt and cousins) will be her support.

Did I mention that we're going to Dr. K? You remember him right? My family loves him as much as we do. 

So, that's where we are now. Her treatments start tomorrow, radiation starts next week, and she'll start feeling like crap two weeks from when radiation starts. Please pray for strength for her body and mind. 

And here's to blogging more frequently...